Hi, I’m a man in my 50s working in an office. As long as it's not raining, I commute to work every day on a public bicycle called "Ttareungi" for about 90 minutes, even in the summer. It's my way of avoiding public transportation. At first, it was simply due to the stuffiness and the crowded people. During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was also satisfied with bicycle commuting from a hygiene and safety perspective. It’s also a good workout, so it's a win-win situation.
However, the biggest reason I started commuting by bicycle was because of the "gaze." Some might laugh and ask, "What is gaze violence to a 50-something old man?" But for a fat person like me, gaze violence is a daily reality.
Why is the Gaze a Form of Violence for Fat People?
When I'm standing or sitting on the subway, I always feel uncomfortable stares. I feel there's an unspoken message in those stares that says, "Your fat body is blocking the view or making the seat smaller." Of course, no one says it out loud, but that discomfort is fully conveyed to me. Some might say I'm being overly sensitive. But please, take a moment to reflect on yourselves. What do you think or what kind of attitude do you show with your gaze when you see a fat person?
Nowadays, there are even disapproving stares directed at older people who are just standing in the general seating area instead of the senior section. It feels like our society has become one that discriminates based on appearance and can't tolerate even the smallest discomfort.
The Gaze of 50-Something Men: Misunderstanding or Discomfort?
News reports mainly cover uncomfortable stares that women receive, so-called "gaze violence" or "gaze rape." There are many claims that the gazes of men in their 50s to 70s are particularly unpleasant. As a 50-something, overweight man, I want to honestly share my thoughts on this issue.
First, men over 50 often don't see very well, unlike when they were young. Even with their eyes open, visual information often doesn't get properly transmitted to the brain. This can make their gaze seem fixed, or they might stare intently because they're straining their eyes to see better. When the person sitting in front of them becomes conscious of the stare, they might think, "Did I do something wrong?" and look back, which often leads to misunderstandings.
Also, I believe the term "gaze rape" is an exaggeration. Men over 50 are not as physically sensitive to visual information as they were in their youth. Their bodies don't react to sexual thoughts, and it's rare for them to suddenly feel sexual desire for a stranger. More often, when they see a young woman in revealing clothing, they might look at her with a sense of pity or worry, thinking, "Whose daughter is she, dressed like that?" Of course, I know that even this kind of gaze is disliked by women. But isn't telling older men to walk around with their eyes closed another form of violence? A gaze itself cannot be "violence" or "rape."
Attire, Gaze, and Social Tolerance
I want to ask young women: Why don't men wear revealing clothing, but women do? I know it's often to show off a slim figure or to attract young men. But if that's the case, I find it hard to understand why you express such dissatisfaction with the gaze of older men. If it's simply because it's hot, that could be a selfish act that doesn't consider the stares of others at all.
When a man wears a sleeveless shirt or shorts, others stare, thinking, "Did he really come to work dressed like that?" I'm even worried that a post like this might show up on social media: "Today on the subway, an old man stared at me so intensely I felt extremely uncomfortable and sexually violated. Isn't this sexual assault?"
An Overly Sensitive Society Needs Space and Generosity
Our society seems to have become overly sensitive. Generosity and tolerance have disappeared. My freedom is important, but so is the freedom of others. I believe it's the attitude of a civilized person to tolerate a little discomfort. As long as the line of causing harm hasn't been crossed, we should be able to laugh off a stare. This is how a society that lives together can be maintained.
If a fat person like me were to react to every single uncomfortable stare and get upset, I would be considered to have a personality disorder. It would be a matter for a hospital, not for social media or for confronting a stranger.
We also feel the gaze of cats and dogs. Animals that can't speak observe us with their gaze. What about CCTV? I've counted that I get caught on CCTV 17 times on my way from home to work. Being on CCTV could also be an uncomfortable experience for some.
But young women, in particular, wear clothing that draws attention and then pick a fight with older men, asking why they are staring. I am frustrated that they can know whether a person had sexual thoughts or not. It feels like we are in an era where we can now even police and pick fights over other people's thoughts.
In Conclusion: The Effort of All of Us
All men endure being treated as potential sex offenders, perhaps because they hope that their wives and daughters won't become targets of sexual crimes. But now, we must not tolerate excessive irritation and hostility.
A long time ago, there was a time when men walked around in sleeveless shirts and shorts. If things keep going this way, older men might start wearing crop tops. Older men get hot, too. In China, many men walk around without their shirts on in the summer. I hope Korea doesn't become like that. I believe a civilized person wears clothes neatly and with dignity.
Women themselves need to make a self-reflective effort regarding revealing fashion. Our clothing carries a lot of information about our profession, personality, values, cultural level, and sophistication. Therefore, we should choose our clothes carefully and deliberately. Before claiming that a gaze is violence, I think it's necessary to first reflect on whether our attire is one that invites a stare.
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